


Natasha's in India

by TARDISqueenofbutts



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDISqueenofbutts/pseuds/TARDISqueenofbutts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha leaves her boys without a word. These are Clint's unsent letters to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Natasha's in India

**Author's Note:**

> I based this off of the song Mary's in India by Dido.
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Edit:
> 
> Previously titled "Hey Nat"

Hey Nat . 3/5/13

I know this is kinda cheesy but I saw somewhere that if you write letters to people but don’t send them, it can help get shit off your mind. I don’t know if that’ll work but… It’s worth a try, right?

It’s been three weeks since you left on that mission to India. I can’t believe you haven’t called… Emailed.. Something. I miss you. James misses you. That kind of goes without saying, but… It’s starting to worry me.

I don’t know if you left because you were sick of us. Of the life we’ve been living. Or maybe you haven’t left. Maybe you’re too deep under to be able to contact us. I would like that better but… As much as we want to, no one believes that. There’s always the theory you’re dead. I like the first option best.

James hasn’t been eating. Not for a while. I have to practically shove it down his throat, and he’s locked himself in his room so I can hardly do that. I don’t know how many bottles of alcohol he’s had. I lost count. I had no idea he could even get drunk. I don’t know what to do…

I’m scared. I’ll admit it. I’m scared because, even if we haven’t found you, I know you’re not coming back. And even though it might as well kill me to never see you again, it’s doing worse for James. He refuses to believe that you’re not coming home tomorrow. Every day, you’re coming home tomorrow. But you don’t. And you never will. It’s breaking him and I can’t handle both of you gone. I’m so sorry.

I hope you’re alive and as happy as you could possibly be.

Nat… 4/10/13

Okay so I’m really bad at this letter thing. Whatever.

We still haven’t found you. I really hope you’re just hiding. You’re good at that. I know if you don’t want SHIELD finding you we never will. Although James still isn’t convinced you’re gone. He still has your pictures up around everywhere. All the letters you guys exchanged. It hurts to see him so far into denial, but I won’t be the one to break his heart past repair. He’s figuring it out for himself. I can see it. He’s crawling out of that dark hole. And if I end up in the vent above his room to make sure he’s actually sleeping and not screaming from nightmares, then he doesn’t have to know that.

We talk about you sometimes. It’s getting a little easier. Not better… I don’t think it’ll ever get better with you gone. But… Easier. We’ll never stop missing you.

Please be alive. Even if that means we’ll never see you again just… Please be alive.

Nat. 4/25/13

James found me up in the vent last night. I had fallen asleep and apparently snoring gets amplified by metal. I thought he’d be mad or something… But we ended up sleeping on his bed. Just sleeping, I promise. I know he wishes it had been you… I guess I don’t really mind settling at second place. I’ll never be you, Nat. No matter how hard I try. 

Hey Nat. 5/2/13

Ever since that night James hasn’t allowed me to sleep in my own bed. At least I’m not stuck up in those vents any more. It’s a lot easier to make sure he’s okay.

Sometimes I hear him whispering your name while he’s sleeping. It’s always followed by something in Russian so I can’t tell if it’s happy or a nightmare. Everything in Russian sounds angry to me.

He’s lost a lot of weight. I can feel some of his bones when I hold him at night.

You would know what to do to make him quit this stupid stunt. You’d have the right words to say. The right touches… You always know how to make him feel better.

I wish I could send you these letters. I fucking miss you, Tasha.

Maybe it’d be easier if you were dead.

I’ll always hate myself for thinking that.

Natasha, 7/30/13

I wonder if you’re still in India. I like to think you’ve been seeing the world without SHIELD’s masks as a filter. Have you found anyone? A friend? A lover? Did you stay alone?

James finally started putting all your pictures and letters away. He keeps them in this little box with a label in Russian on top. I probably should have paid more attention when you tried to teach me because I can’t read it, but I think it says Natalia. I think he’s accepting the fact that you’re not coming back.

Still not okay. Just easier.

Tasha… 8/12/13

Still not okay.

I miss you.

Nat. 12/24/13

Merry Christmas. Do they even celebrate Christmas where you are? Knowing you I doubt you’d do anything for it anyway.

It snows more than I thought it would in New York. Every time if does, James gets all quiet. Yesterday I told him it reminded me of you, too, and the smile he wore was painful. But real.

I think he’s doing okay.

Hey Nat. 3/5/14

It’s been a year… A whole year. I never thought I could make it a year without you. I need someone here to balance out my stupid. James does too. The both of us together is almost too much idiot.

Did you have us in mind when you left? You probably knew we’d get together eventually. We need each other to keep our sanity…

He’s gained all his weight back. He looks healthy again.

It still hurts to know you’re gone. I still wake up to James muttering in Russian sometimes. Sometimes I catch your scent in the bathroom or on a T-shirt and it’s all I can do to not fall apart. But It’s getting easier to see you out in the world. Alive. God I hope you’re alive.

I think this will be my last letter now that I can talk to someone who will actually reply.

I love you, Natasha Romanoff. And James does too. We’ll never lose that, but it’s time to let go.


End file.
